Sometime in early January I relapsed. Ironically or not.......................I did not pick up a drink. But I did pick up drugs. I had continued to go to meetings while I was using but I was lying to everyone including myself. I would sit in meetings and literally hold onto my chair. I didn't say a word I just sat there and listened. I would on most occasions leave immediately after the meeting. I didn't stick around much because I didn't want to talk to anyone.
It didn't take long before I was in a downward spiral. When Jack passed away - I was out of control. I had already lost it mentally, physically, and spiritually and now there I was standing in front of Jack's casket looking at the man who took me under his wing and showed me the way. I just could not stop crying. Yes, I was sad Jack had died but I was crying more because I was totally fucked up. I was losing it.
I placed my 3 year medallion in the pocket of Jack's suit and walked into a separate room. I sat there and continued to cry. I finally worked up the nerve to tell the people from my home group that were there what I had been doing. I was so ashamed, so crushed, so lost. I thought I was a failure - a loser. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I feared what they would say - think - do. So, I ratted myself out.
They didn't beat me up. They didn't say bad things about me. They didn't throw me to the curb. They embraced me, they hugged me, they told me they loved me. They asked if I wanted help and I did. I wanted more than anything to stop.
I handed over the "junk" that was in my pocketbook and spent the night on the couch of a group member. I sat there and cried most of the night and they sat with me until I fell asleep. I woke up and got myself ready for work - promising I would get to a meeting and keep in touch. I failed to make it to a meeting that day but I did not use. I would try to throw together a couple days at a time but it wasn't working. I had been on the "stuff" too long and I couldn't get any time together. I kept failing and falling. It was horrible. I felt horrible. Though I had no thoughts of suicide I did pray to God to take me.
After several attempts at getting clean I finally gave up and gave into the advice I was getting and went to my doctors. I ratted myself out to my doctor - that was hard too. I cried in their office for hours. He and she were very understanding and helpful. They tested me for everything under the sun and gratefully everything has come back fine. I got on my phone and called around and found myself a drug and alcohol counselor who would see me right away. I ratted myself out to him and cried myself silly in his office. He in turn made a couple telephone calls that ended up with me heading to a doctors office in a neighboring town. The doctor who is in the program specializes in withdrawal. After an exam and lots of talking it was agreed upon by both of us that I would be a good candidate for
Suboxone.I didn't like the way Suboxone made me feel. It made me feel sick....very sick. So I decided to stop taking it. I put a couple weeks together on my own and relapsed again.
During the time I had been running I had been putting myself into situations that I could of easily been killed or arrested. I had spent all my savings. I wasn't looking good, feeling good, or doing good. Why couldn't I get clean?
I tried the Suboxone again.......this time it worked. Turns out I had been taking it the wrong way.
I have been taking the Suboxone for two weeks. The doctor said it counts as clean time and so has my home group. So, my new sober date is April 13th. I am doing everything that my sponsor, my doctor, and my counselor have been telling me.
For the past 14 days I have been taking the medication. I have been eating healthy. I have been exercising. I have been getting a good amount of sleep. I have been going to meetings. I have been reading the Big Book. I have been praying. I AM ALIVE!
Last Monday I went to my home group (I now belong to 3 groups) and before those present I picked up a 24 hour to 29 day chip. I received several hugs and lots of "I've been waiting to see you do that" from the people I have come to know and love.
Over the past few months I have made some pretty big mistakes. I have been beating myself up pretty badly. I have not lost the knowledge that AA has taught me I just changed my sobriety date. And I know what I have to do to continue be clean and sober.
